loner...

When you've never settled down in one place long enough, and no one besides your immediately family ever stays longer in your life for a couple of years, what do you do? you rely on yourself. Me myself and I become not only a motto but a means of survival.

I've had my closest friends tell me that I'm hard and new acquaintances say I started off 'unapproachable'. I personally don't have a problem with the array of 'help yourself' comments, meant in good intent. What grates me is that these same people think that I want to 'help' myself when in truth, I like being 'hard' and 'unapproachable'...it works for me.

or should that be worked, past tense.

You know all those array of self help book, with quizzes so that you figure out what is wrong with you and how to right it? well, having such great friends that let me know my faults all the time, I know exactly what's wrong with me and I know exactly what I should do to fix it...my problem is in the action.

Yes, talk to more people, act confident but can you fake it? Flirt more...what IS flirting? does it not come across the guy whose arm you 'accidentally' brushes that you were uncomfortable in doing so? and if you've hardly done it before, the constant thought of

'shud I play with my hair? I wonder if I have something on my teeth?

playfully brush his arm now...

wait, the moment's gone...

now....

cant, to awkward...

now...

where should I brush?'

It all eventually makes you seem dull for not having said a word in 10minutes while looking constipated.

Does it come easily to others? this juggling of conversing and physical and eye contact WHILE looking pretty? give me a math problem and a crossword to do while I'm running and I'll be fine but the subtleties of human contact...I'm uncomfortable hugging my sister, let alone strangers.

There is one thing I could easily do to attract others: take my glasses off...but I don't want to...I persevere in that you could be attractive in glasses...that and I cant even put eye drops, let alone poking my eyes twice daily with some plastic things that will either fall out or go up under your eyelids....how do you get it out?

Maybe I should start with not wearing my glasses on night out. Then I'd be too blind to notice the attractiveness or unattractiveness of a guy, which should make me less nervous.

...I just have to make sure that it is his arm that i 'accidentally' stroke.

being carrie...

In my head, I'm writing this in a gorgeous, albeit it small upper-east side apartment with a view overlooking buzzing Manhattan; contemplating the closet full of dresses and manolos; wondering what nightclub or private party I'll be attending tonight...all in all, living the life of a 30something socialite in New York. Instead, the reality is, the only view that I've got out of my bedroom in north London, is that of drawn curtains (mine; I live on the ground floor and my room faces the street...opening them would be like an open invitation into my life) and its 7pm on a weekend and I'm watching other people life live on tv.

I've got the case of the 'carrie'. This is something that happens a lot...even menial task like lunch with my 3 girlfriends brings up the 'OMG, this is just like Sex and the City' comment. Don't get me wrong, I love the show (apparently, I'm a Miranda) but I'm wondering, when did we start to base our reality on TV shows? should it not be the other way around? Yes, I would not say my life is exciting...but whose is? (indulge me on this and don't go 'well...today I went here and met so and so and tonight, blah blah blah')...my point is: a week's activity fitted in a 45minute show is bound to be interesting and funfilled...I could make my 9-5 day to day bore be interesting for 45minute...well, maybe not...

Its not just Carrie and SATC, I find that I do this to most characters I like; when my hair is looking unusually good and I woke up that 10 minute extra to slap some make up on, I find myself thinking I could be the Natalie Portman character that walks in slow motion while Damien Rice croons 'blower's daughter'...until I catch a glimpse of my reflection on a shop window. Lately though, since its sunny outside, that reflection has been looking quite good...mostly due to the fact that I'm wearing sunglasses (the only good thing about summer) that covers half of my face although my friends tell me its probably because when I wear my sunglasses, I cant see too well (i'm not blind without my glasses but lets just say that things are a bit fuzzy). Suffice to say, this blog will be like any other venture of mine; done to make my life that tiny bit more exciting and interesting...that and give me space to vent when my friends are sick of listening.