loner...

When you've never settled down in one place long enough, and no one besides your immediately family ever stays longer in your life for a couple of years, what do you do? you rely on yourself. Me myself and I become not only a motto but a means of survival.

I've had my closest friends tell me that I'm hard and new acquaintances say I started off 'unapproachable'. I personally don't have a problem with the array of 'help yourself' comments, meant in good intent. What grates me is that these same people think that I want to 'help' myself when in truth, I like being 'hard' and 'unapproachable'...it works for me.

or should that be worked, past tense.

You know all those array of self help book, with quizzes so that you figure out what is wrong with you and how to right it? well, having such great friends that let me know my faults all the time, I know exactly what's wrong with me and I know exactly what I should do to fix it...my problem is in the action.

Yes, talk to more people, act confident but can you fake it? Flirt more...what IS flirting? does it not come across the guy whose arm you 'accidentally' brushes that you were uncomfortable in doing so? and if you've hardly done it before, the constant thought of

'shud I play with my hair? I wonder if I have something on my teeth?

playfully brush his arm now...

wait, the moment's gone...

now....

cant, to awkward...

now...

where should I brush?'

It all eventually makes you seem dull for not having said a word in 10minutes while looking constipated.

Does it come easily to others? this juggling of conversing and physical and eye contact WHILE looking pretty? give me a math problem and a crossword to do while I'm running and I'll be fine but the subtleties of human contact...I'm uncomfortable hugging my sister, let alone strangers.

There is one thing I could easily do to attract others: take my glasses off...but I don't want to...I persevere in that you could be attractive in glasses...that and I cant even put eye drops, let alone poking my eyes twice daily with some plastic things that will either fall out or go up under your eyelids....how do you get it out?

Maybe I should start with not wearing my glasses on night out. Then I'd be too blind to notice the attractiveness or unattractiveness of a guy, which should make me less nervous.

...I just have to make sure that it is his arm that i 'accidentally' stroke.